Journal · Late Night Thoughts · mine

Late Night Thoughts

Happy New Year everyone!

Or shall I say, Happy 7th Day of 2017? Idek.

Anyways, it’s 10:54pm from where I am as I’m typing this line. I couldn’t sleep as I have a messed up body due to three weeks of working on a PM shift. It was one of two cause why I wasn’t able to go to work this morning, as I’ve gone to sleep at 7am already and the call time should be… well, fifteen minutes before 7am. Another cause was the recurring pain on my left ankle, which was sprained while at a practice a day before University Week 2015, and my left leg, which was slightly dislocated while I was out swimming with my classmates at a pool before board exams but aligned right after (the injury I never told anyone) but that is a whole other story.

So this is the 3rd night that I couldn’t sleep due to the reasons stated above plus some thoughts that have been swirling in my mind.

I don’t think you really know who I really am depending on my beliefs and a part of my personality so here’s the thing:

I’m a pessimist who loves self-deprecating humor.

That’s right. Although the kind of pessimist that I am only focuses on situations where in I’m the only one involved.

Example? When people encourage me to do something that I haven’t done yet, and I just say “no” because I don’t believe I can do it without doing something wrong.

More specific? Our head nurse told me to do the work of a charge nurse. I told her I’m not ready but she scheduled me the next day. I was very nervous, you couldn’t see feel any excitement radiating from me. At the end of the shift, I forgot to carry out some of the doctors’ orders and my group has to extend for one hour for me to finish everything.

See that? That is why I never trust myself.

I question my capability as a person and every role I take and at the end of the day, disadvantages would seem to weigh more than the advantages and I’ll just avoid doing things.

Another one which seems like an opposite of the previous one: when someone tells me that they don’t believe what I’m capable of.

I specifically remember one person who told me that I wasn’t “fit to be a nurse”. I was 3 months into the job back then and those words hit me like stone. Although I doubt myself of my abilities, I can’t say that I did not get hurt. I WAS hurt.

Third: I am beginning to doubt my choice of taking up nursing.

The only reasons why I took up nursing were:

  • to satisfy my childhood dream.
  • my parents’ (and relatives’) choice of course for me.
  • easier access to other countries, which meant I could go to places where I wanted to visit.

The only reasons I continued:

  • to prove others that I could get through college without failing.
  • to visit other countries.

That’s it. After taking up the boards and starting my job, I started to think about my life choices, if I really want this thing that doesn’t even make me really happy. I mean, I want to help people out but not this way.

And I’m only good at academics, but when doing a physically- and mentally-tiring work? I cannot do that, otherwise my emotions will be triggered and then I’ll go to an unoccupied area and I’d cry the fuck out, no matter if I was at home, at the hospital, or any other public places.

Another thing: I don’t believe people when they tell me that I’m really good or excellent at what I usually do, especially at drawing and playing the piano. It may be fun for me at the start but when I see people doing those things better than me, I’d feel bad that I’m not as good as them and immediately begin to regret not doing and practicing them more often.

 

Last: my physical appearance.

I said in About Me (2012) that “I’m not insecure about my looks” and in About Me (2015) that “I view myself as beautiful in my own way”.

Do you hear that? That was me bullshitting myself into thinking that I am really beautiful, that I am unique, that I am special, that I am my own definition of beauty.

Let me just say I AM NOT BEAUTIFUL. I don’t think I am beautiful. I don’t believe in people who say that I’m beautiful.

My self-esteem on my appearance dropped ground level when some classmates, the same people who bullied me through high school, insulted how I looked when we were in Senior High. I mean, I get that my nose is flat but did you have to point that out and tease me like that was a bad thing?

That self-deprecation thing? Well, whenever I hear someone say “ugly” or asks  if there’s someone in the crowd who’s “ugly”, I’d immediately turn around or raise my hands or ask “you called?”. Or when someone says that my work is “a joke”, I wouldn’t be able to stop myself and just say “my whole life is a joke”. Or when someone says that my drawing looks amazing, I’ll go “It looks shit to me.” I just deflect all positive things and absorb all negativity.

How did I do it? I just let go of my confidence and let pessimism control me. Thanks to those people who broke my self-esteem that I was able to do it.

I might make no sense, but it’s 11:47 now so please excuse me for being vague as I have so much things in my mind that I can’t get off of and these things just keep on resurfacing and replacing each other every now and then.

Sorry if I affected you with my negativity, though. And if you understand what I feel, thanks for seeing it.

-claude

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