Journal · Late Night Thoughts · mine

Going Back to my Old Self

Yooooo. Ya least favorite potato’s back after more than a month of inactivity.

I love how I decided to come back during my 19th year of life to keep track of what I’ve been doing, promising to post a maximum of 2 posts in a week (probably, I forgot) and here I am now, writing my nth post in the Year of our Lord 2017.

So as you have gotten from the title, I might be going back to my old self.

Let me tell you the difference between 19/20-year-old me and the person that I was 5 years ago:

ME AT 19/20yo

  • Could talk easily to people depending on the person I’m talking to.
  • Likes human contact.
  • Could be mentally and physically drained at a normal rate
  • Could start up a conversation.

ME AT 16yo:

  • Socially awkward
  • Easily physically and mentally drained when outside of comfort zone
  • Doesn’t like to talk to anyone
  • Could easily end a conversation

Notice the difference between the two? I’ve become an ambivert/slightly extroverted overtime from when I was in 3rd year college up to now that I am working and now that I’ve realized my progress in social life, I kind of disliked it.

Probably because it has distracted me from doing what I really loved to do, like playing the piano, reading a tonne of books, both literature and encyclopedias (the sole reason why I have information overload).

I used to didn’t care about having my own group of friends or someone to call a best friend because those things were enough to keep me happy during those days.

Main reason why I didn’t want to socialize? Bullies and bitchy/”classy” classmates. They’ve nonstop teased me about various things since we were in freshmen high, such as my appearance and the name calling. There were also some who I can’t stand when they talk, like I’d just tell them I can’t really explain how to do a crane origami (because I’ve got poor explanation skills) and then they’d complain why can’t I when I just did it five minutes ago.

And I could just reapply that post-board during work. I work with some of the most awesome people I’ve ever met but I admit that there are those I don’t even want to be with because:

  1. I don’t like their attitude and personality.
  2. I don’t know how to interact with people like them.
  3. I don’t want to get on their bad side as well as them on mine (like seriously there was a time they told me off that my whole computation was wrong and then at the end of our discussion, they said that my final answer was actually right but my process was wrong like seriously do you think I was just making that computation up? That I was wrong on my forte?)
  4. They’ll condescend people first before helping them out with their tasks.
  5. I couldn’t relate to what they’re talking about.

I could go on with the list but it might take a while.

    But why go back to my old self though? At least I could interact with other people, get to know them more, get used to different characters and become close to them. The more friends the merrier, right?

    Wrong. For me, it depends on the attitude and personality of a person. That’s all it takes. If I liked both of those qualities of yours, you’re automatically a friend and you’ll have a HUGE chance of seeing both fun and serious side. If I liked only one or none, there’d be minimal to zero chance of knowing who I really am.

    For now, I’ve returned to my fifteen year old self; just that quiet girl who is energized by being on her own and would rather be alone that be outside with people who she doesn’t even know, the people that she dislikes.

    I do have friends but there are only a few. They’re the only ones I trust my whole life on, along with my family. The difference between me at this very moment and me 4 years back at least are the amount of friends I have, but like what I have believed back then up until now:

    I may be alone but I am never lonely.

    Sorry for this mess of a post. Like I have said earlier, I don’t have good skills at explanation.

    Thank you for reading this, though, if you reached this part of the post. Like this post if you, well, liked it and follow if you’d still want to read shitty content like this.

    -Claus.

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