Fuck it, I’m very much fucking tired of my anxiety.
And it’s not even one of those “I’m nervous but it’ll just pass” anxiety.
It’s the “My head is heating up, I’m shaking all over, I’m feeling sick, I couldn’t sleep” anxiety.
And it’s not only the megacode by itself tomorrow that I’m worried about if I’m going to pass the workshop.
I’m worried about EVERYTHING right now.
Why do we have it tomorrow while I’m at work? Why is it that my workmates tomorrow are the ones I don’t like? What if they won’t let me out? What if they would complain to the supervisor that they will be the only ones left at work if I would be pulled out? What if we had a toxic patient and while I’m out there, there would be a code?
Worst thought? WHAT IF CAN’T SLEEP TONIGHT BECAUSE I’M TOO NERVOUS? I CAN TEXT MY DEPARTMENT HEAD THAT I CAN’T WORK TOMORROW BECAUSE I AM NOT ABLE TO SLEEP BUT HOW ABOUT THE MEGACODE? I CAN’T GO THERE WITH MY SUPERVISOR KNOWING THAT I COULDN’T GO TO WORK BUT I WAS ABLE TO ATTEND THE WORKSHOP.
I could think that I couldn’t sleep because of my anxiety but because that thought was caused by anxiety itself, it keeps on building up. Why the fuck is my brain like this?!